Sleeping Angel
by BlueIsSoul
Summary: Sometimes I feel like I might drown in your memories. Their tendrils tug at me with the anguish of a greatest love. Some say that I will get over this, but I know I won't. No one ever really does.
1. Replaceable

**Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyers.**

**Note: Thank you for Astro for her beta work on this and Hadley Hemingway for prereading. I can't thank you both enough for all your insight and time spent on this.**

**Summary:** Sometimes I feel like I might drown in your memories. Their tendrils tug at me with the anguish of the greatest love. Some say that I will get over this, but I know I won't. No one ever really does.

_I'm so tired of being here_

_Suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

_'Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone _

_**- My Immortal by Evanescence**_

* * *

**Sleeping Angel**

The noise from the TV was loud, intrusive. The faces on it were a blur of color and voice as I slummed it in my old, grey sweatpants, staring blankly at the screen. A cup of black coffee sat cold on the glass side table next to me, but I didn't drink it; I barely ever did.

My morning routine. This was the way my days had served me for months—months that ran past, taking with them moments lost in time, yet I stayed unmoved. Stagnant.

Dr Phil's audience screamed in ecstasy as he addressed some first world problem that I should be interested in. Everything he said was a contrived contraption of nothing. These days, I sat in front of the TV more, and watched it less often than ever.

It all stopped making sense a long time ago.

I saw a movement from the corner of my eye and Edward stalked out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen area. Almost like he couldn't help himself, he paused when his eyes caught mine.

A second of still.

Sometimes when he looked at me like that, it still felt like slow-motion. Hypnotic, like the sound of my heartbeat underwater, when I held my breath and disappeared into the depths of clear; in that misty haze of wet, nothing else but the thick, vivid palpitations were real. I lived somehow in this world, but not really. I was sitting here, but not really. Where was I? Who was I?

Edward was at the dark marble kitchen counter, next to the shiny untouched stove, opening and closing drawers and cupboards with hurried bangs which startled me back to reality. He always did.

_Bang._

_Bang._

_Bang._

Even when damp from the shower, I could see the burnt auburn in the brown of his hair. It had gotten darker with time, and now in his late-twenties there were only hints of red. I remembered years ago, he would stand out in the sun on a tarmac of spiked green on the college campus, and his hair would be all glorious fire and wine. I used to think it was like he had dropped to earth like some Sun God, but all my girlish ruminations about him seemed so long ago. I was silly to think that anyone can be God-like, infallible.

We all fail. One day we will fall.

I watched from the corner of my eye as Edward straightened and leaned over the sink, the tense muscles on his forearms jerking, his eyes vigorously seeking something he'd lost.

I knew exactly what he'd lost, but I wouldn't tell.

Fine hair peeked out from where his black shirt was unbuttoned twice at the top. Worn jeans hung loosely around his waist. He was thinner, yet more toned, than he'd ever been, the product of his rapidly intensifying workouts at the gym. Even through his clothes, I could see where his arm, back and thigh muscles had been to work. I knew his body well … Or I used to. I guess it had been a long time since I'd touched, or even really looked at him.

It'd been a long time since … everything.

It wasn't difficult to see how frustrated he was right now. He was also very late.

Edward ran his hand aggravatedly though his combed hair, messing it up, before finally addressing me—the final resort.

"B, have you seen my wedding band?"

"No," I told the TV.

He sighed and strode toward me in six long steps, to the middle of the apartment where I sat on the cream couch. My arms tingled in anticipation like they always did when Edward was near, although he simply walked past me. I cautioned a glance at the sharpness of his moving shoulder blades as he slid the glass door open easily and stepped out onto the balcony.

We lived on the twenty-first floor of Millennium West apartments and below Edward, at this very moment, was a swarm of multicolor amongst the yellow of cabs and black of asphalt. It was one of the busiest and relentlessly on-the-go areas in New York. In front of him was a crystal clear skyline full of exquisite skyscrapers that shaped Manhattan. The view was a photographer's delight during the day and completely breathtaking at night. Like everything else, I hadn't appreciated it in a long time.

Edward still went out to the balcony for coffee in the morning or a glass of wine after work. Now more than he used to, and sometimes I thought it was just to get away from me.

He was probably checking if he'd left his ring out there.

I knew that he hadn't.

A few seconds later he came back in.

"Are you sure?"

I turned away from the TV and looked at him. He was wearing a frown on his lightly stubbled face, and his clear green eyes, the color of intense pine, were serious. Even after seven years, he still caught me off guard, and everything about him reminded me of so much. Too damn much.

I was suffocated.

I turned back to the TV, blocking him—everything—out.

"I left it on the ledge next to the shower," he pressed. "You know, where I always leave it when I shower."

He was really late for his shift now.

He was never late for work.

"It's probably still there." I picked up my cold mug and took it to the kitchen.

My coffee was untouched and my throat was dry.

I swallowed.

It didn't help.

"It isn't." He followed me to the stools, around the kitchen bar, and I could see him from the corner of my eye as I let the cold water run over my palms. "I've looked everywhere. I'm not sure where it would go." He shook his head. "Shit."

I bit my lip and stared at my cup as I rinsed it out.

Yeah.

Shit.

My heart squeezed hard when he ran his hand over his shadowed chin in bewilderment.

He took good care of his wedding band. I could be scatterbrained when it came to my ring, but Edward … Edward treasured his like it was the most precious possession in the world and, even when he had to take it off during surgery, he'd never misplaced it once.

I placed my cup on the drainer. "I don't know, Edward." I was being dismissive and I knew it. "It's only a ring. You'll find it again … Or you'll replace it."

He didn't say anything as I walked around him and took my spot back on the couch, staring at the TV, the noise from it buzzing loudly in my ears, drowning out the ba-bung beating of my own heart.

He took a couple of steps toward the bookshelf and my heart slammed harder.

Don't look there.

_Don't._

"You're right. It's only a damned ring." I wasn't looking, but I knew that tone. I knew his eyes were a darker shade of pine and his chin was jutted out in annoyance. He was half-blocking my view of Dr. Phil; I didn't even acknowledge him even though it was hard not to. Sometimes, when he was brooding like that, he was even more beautiful.

He didn't move, like he was waiting for me to say something, or to simply look up and recognize him.

I didn't. I was a coward.

"Turn down the volume, Bella," he said stoically, and then picked up his car keys from the shelf and walked out, ringless.

~~~~X~~~~

* * *

_The first time I met Edward, I had wanted to kill him._

_I had thrown my text book on the bed and pulled open the door of our dorm room, raging like a she-Hulk. It was one thirty in the morning. The muggings meant the library was too dangerous to be walking to at this time, and both Alice and I had exams next week. The RA had already warned "those boys" upstairs, but apparently "medics these days partied hard just like they studied hard."_

_Right._

_Third. Time. In. A. Week. How the hell were any of us meant to sleep or study like this?_

"_Bella, where are you going?" Alice squeaked from her sticky note enveloped study desk, but she'd already known. Considering the amount of times I had threatened this, I was finally going to do it. I was going to have a word with those too-noisy, forever-partying, obnoxious jerk-culprits that lived above us._

"_It's Wednesday night, for God's sake!" I'd growled, before I jogged up to the next floor, past the smoky, overcrowded corridor and right into frat party central. _

_The door to the offending room was half-open, the bass pulsing and thrumming through my body as I shoved through the crowd of stumbling-drunk students. The speakers were blaring Jay-Z, and I almost tripped over a girl who sat against the couch, her long, bare legs splayed out in front of her. _

"_Whose dorm is this?" I asked a dazed-looking guy smelling of pot. He pointed sleepily to the back of a boy wearing a burgundy, emblazoned Cornell sweater._

_There were two things I noticed about the boy with the bottle of Grey Goose pressed to his lips. His back was long and lean like he was used to playing athletic sport, and his red-brown hair was brilliantly thick and twisted like it didn't know where to go or which color to be._

_I took two long steps and grabbed at the cool bottle, pulling it away from his lips, only half-realizing what I had done because those eyes ..._

"_Hey - __oh__," I breathed, confused and angry at the same time. And stunned—because damn, he was gorgeous. _

_He smirked at me, like my sudden breathlessness was funny._

"_I don't think we've met. I'm Edward." He held out his hand in front of him and I stared at him, stared at his hand, and stared back at him, before I hurtled back to reality. He was the jerk-culprit._

"_Hi … and goodbye."_

_With a grim face, I pulled the ipod from its socket and stomped out of the room, closing the hottest party on campus down._

_Looking back now, maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to act no matter how agitated I was. After all, that certainly wasn't the only time I would be sleep deprived at college.  
_

_Yet to this day, Edward still claimed that it was that very moment he'd fallen in love with my fire._

_~~~~X~~~~_

_**I don't have a posting schedule, although should be be able to post weekly. The next chapter is written up however and will come sooner.**_

_**For the banner/ teasers/ updates/ discussion join my fic group (on my profile). Twitter: Blueissoul.**_


	2. Be Mine

_How long_

_can i lament_

_with this depressed_

_heart and soul_

_how long_

_can i remain_

_a sad autumn_

_ever since my grief_

_has shed my leaves_

_the entire space_

_of my soul_

_is burning in agony_

_how long can i_

_hide the flames_

_wanting to rise_

_out of this fire_

_how long can one suffer_

_the pain of hatred_

_of another human_

_a friend behaving like an enemy_

_with a broken heart_

_how much more_

_can i take the message_

_from body to soul_

_i believe in love_

_i swear by love_

_believe me my love_

_how long_

_like a prisoner of grief_

_can i beg for mercy_

_you know i'm not_

_a piece of rock or steel_

_but hearing my story_

_even water will become_

_as tense as a stone_

_if i can only recount_

_the story of my life_

_right out of my body_

_flames will grow _

_**-Fountain of Fire by Rumi**_

* * *

I hid Edward's wedding band.

I wish I could explain so that it could be understood. After all, why would any woman hide her husband's token of devotion to her?

But nobody would understand. Nobody would know the idle poison, a consummation of my own making—that didn't asphyxiate, but was toxic enough to slowly, silently dissolve your insides into nothing. A true disintegration. Edward barely featured in all of this _consummation_, and it wasn't fair, I knew that—it simply was what it was.

Life wasn't fair. We both understood that. Yet, he stood by my side, there to lean on if I ever needed him.

I'm not sure why he did.

Then there was the confusion. I wanted him to leave as much as I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to save me as much as I wanted him to save himself.

Once I would have tried to be better for him; I would have tried harder for us, but now I was without fight. I felt it everywhere, and he might deny it, but I knew he did too.

There was better out there for him. That is why he should leave.

And I would help him move on, even if it was the last thing I ever did.

~~~~X~~~~

Lauren didn't hide the the fact that she had a thing for Edward. She lived on the penthouse of Millennium West apartments—a few floors above us—and from the moment she greeted us with a batch of freshly baked cookies from Lulu's on the ground floor, she made it obvious that Edward was her cup of tea.

Lauren's husband was the real estate tycoon, Phillipe Belrose, infamously well known amongst many Manhattan circles for his bad behavior. He was twice her age and spent most of his time on 'business trips' and travelling between his two ex-wives and children. Lauren didn't mind; she didn't seem to like him all that much and she had everything she needed in credit form.

I disliked Lauren at first. The way she looked at Edward, how everything she did was always somehow 'bigger' and 'better' than me, how her life revolved around wanting things that she couldn't have. But then I realized, Lauren was all of that, because she was lonely and lost and … a little broken. Suddenly Lauren made sense to me.

On Thursdays, Lauren and I had breakfast at my apartment. We ordered croissants or waffles from Lulu's and I made coffee. She talked incessantly. She asked a lot questions, mainly about Edward, and I sat next to a cup of cold coffee and answered. Lauren rarely asked about me, just the way I liked it.

She touched things in the apartment.

She ran her fingers over the spines of books on the crowded, now mainly unused bookshelf.

I used to love to read and the bookshelf was shared by both Edward and me. There were the classics like Dickens, Austen, Twain, and works by poets such as Ghalib, Rumi, Keats and Poe that adorned the first shelf. The great works of Shakespeare and some chick-lit sat on the second. Most of the political and sport biographies were on the third shelf, and on the fourth were medical texts and cookbooks. Lauren liked to pull out the textbooks, because she wanted to know who Edward liked to read about.

She touched bottles of wine in the wine rack and she wondered out loud whether he stood out on the balcony to drink it.

_He did._

Lauren slid open the patio door and took a deep breath of crisp air and twirled around the balcony, taking in the toy soldiers below and the grand architecture before her like it was the most exquisite view. It was an illusion though; something rough and strong could shatter any of these glass buildings.

She nudged my shoulder. Did I ever stand out there with him?

_I used to._

When we were out there, did he lean over and spontaneously kiss me?

I swallowed and looked away.

_A long time ago. _

She smiled.

She asked too many questions about my husband. "It's like his eyes are saying so much more than his words," she said that evening. ''Do you know what I mean, Bella?'"

I knew that these are not questions that friends asked friends. There would have been a time that I would have felt violated, annoyed by her questions, but now I would have welcomed that feeling.

Any feeling.

I could hear her opening drawers in the bathroom and sometimes her nosiness meant that she walked into our bedroom through the connecting exit. She used to be subtle about it. Not anymore. She didn't even try to hide it.

I folded my legs underneath me and ran my finger down the seam of my black trousers, waiting for Lauren to reappear. The TV was on and they were talking about something—I'm not sure what. My head snapped up when she walked out of the bedroom wearing Edward's faded sweatshirt, the one that we'd shared since college.

_Oh._

My fingers tingled like someone had stuck needles into them. It was the first time I'd felt this much in a long time.

"Hey, can I borrow this? I'm a little chilly."

Not that it was really a question.

Lauren ran her hand over the burgundy wool of the arm, and I tried not to think about the first semester in college when I had angrily grabbed the bottle of Grey Goose from the fingers of the tall, pretty boy with too much self-assurance, wearing this very sweatshirt.

"_You need to get your own sweatshirt, B._" is what Edward would say when we argued over who would wear it on chilly evenings in a dimly lit dorm room. Still, he'd let me win. I didn't want to get my own; Edward's Cornell sweatshirt, the one Lauren was wearing at this very moment, was the most comfortable sweatshirt in the world.

So many memories.

Memories like eating marshmallow covered in dripping warm chocolate when I was a child, licking the hot chocolate until it was all over my fingers and my lips and it spread - hot, sweet warmth inside my chest.

Now Lauren stood in front of me, her hair falling in platinum waves around her shoulders, and her hands in the front pockets of our sweatshirt.

I wanted to puke.

That was how she made me _feel._

"It's so soft," she moaned. "Worn-in sweatshirts are the best."

She was the third person that'd ever worn the sweatshirt and it was like something that was us—Edward and Bella only—was no longer ours.

Maybe it was a sign.

We were staring at the TV when Edward came in. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were tired. I knew he'd had a major surgery and I consciously tried not to remember her name or what he told me about her. She was only four years old.

"Hey," he said, looking surprised to see Lauren still here at one in the morning. She wouldn't be able to tell, but I could because I knew Edward. I knew everything about him. See, it was the way his left eyebrow quirked for half a second, and his jaw tightened all too much before it was gone … That was Edward taking in the unexpected.

His eyes dropped to the sweatshirt Lauren was wearing and I looked away before he could look at me in disappointment. _We had so many dreams…._

"Hey. Edward," Lauren said loudly, brightly.

Edward smiled back at her. It was slow from exhaustion, but genuine. He unfastened the top button of his shirt and walked toward the fridge. "Is there anything to eat, B?"

"No," I said with my arms crossed, staring at the TV as Edward rifled through the contents. There wasn't much in there.

I never made much of anything anymore.

The bread was old.

The milk was off.

"I'll order in," he said to me, or to himself—I wasn't sure.

Lauren's eyes followed like a hawk—watching, shadowing its prey—as as he walked into the bedroom, and continued when he came back wearing a loose pair of grey sweatpants and a thin, old t-shirt that made it easy to see his broad shoulders and the tone of his stomach. She licked her lips.

"I'm thinking Dominoes. You want anything?" he asked with the cordless in his hand.

I shook my head and he looked at Lauren because Edward was always polite like that.

"No, Edward. Thank you," Lauren said, smiling sweetly.

Edward sat on the bar stool over at the kitchen counter and opened up letters and bills methodically. I watched TV and Lauren watched him as he created two piles of paper, until the Dominoes guy arrived.

It was silent, apart from the canned laughter on TV as Edward started to eat, and Lauren still stared at him.

"Did the dry cleaner drop off my tux today?" Edward asked.

"No," I said.

"Huh. He said I would have it by now."

Lauren found her opening—she started to talk about the lousy dry cleaner on the ground floor and how she had an issue with his timelines too. She talked about the concierge and how 'Mr Smith was like a hundred years old'. She walked over to the kitchen bar and sat on a stool across from Edward and took a slice of Pepperoni from the cardboard box without asking.

"How was your day, Edward? You look exhausted."

I squirmed in my seat.

"Yeah, I'm beat. I had a pretty big surgery," he told her.

She sympathized. "Really. What was it?"

"A young patient that I've seen since she was a baby. She had problems with heart palpitations that made her day-to-day functioning quite difficult. Her heart was never strong enough for surgery."

"Wow. So today must have been an important day for you,"Lauren cooed

"It was."

"How is she?"

"She's recovering. It went well." There was silence and Edward said so softly that I could barely hear it, "Thanks for asking."

My ears burned like they had been set alight.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Lauren leaning further and further into my husband across the table. Any now she was going to crawl over the bar and into his lap. I looked away, and from the corner of my eye, saw Edward slip off the bar stool, saying he needed sleep.

"Good night," he said to nobody in particular and I could hear the weariness in his tone.

"Good night!" Lauren said enthusiastically and I was surprised she didn't follow him in there.

"Night, B," Edward tried again as he passed and there was no goodnight peck on the forehead like there used to be.

"'Night," I mumbled as he walked into the bedroom, but I didn't think he'd heard me.

Lauren left soon after, still wearing the Cornell sweatshirt. As I watched her walk out of the door, I wanted to scream at her. To yell at her for touching that part of my life without permission, for taking it with her, because it wasn't hers to take. It was mine. Mine.

Those memories. That sweatshirt. Edward was _mine_.

Something flared and raged for release.

Then I breathed.

I remembered where I was.

I hid Edward's wedding band, because I no longer wanted him _to _be mine. He deserved more than what I'd become.

Yes, I would do this for him.

That sweatshirt didn't matter.

None of it did.

~~~~X~~~~

* * *

_"How did you find me?" I asked the boy standing outside my dorm room wearing a burgundy, Cornell sweatshirt. His hair was even more unruly than the first time I had seen him four nights ago, and somehow its red made the striking pine of his eyes fiercer … stronger._

_The uncouth looks I had been getting in certain areas of the library told me that I had managed to single-handedly subject myself to the wrath of most of the med school—and anyone else that liked a good mid-week party. Still, I didn't expect to find him situating a protest outside my door. Strange._

_"I asked for the the angry girl wearing a cross," he said cheekily, looking right at home out there, like I was sure to welcome him in. _

_His eyes wandered curiously past me, so I held the door tighter, and touched the cross on my neck self consciously, startled at his observation, and simultaneously a little bit guilty. As annoying as it was to admit, Alice was probably right in pointing out that 'sometimes the fiery in you burns too hot'. _

_"Um, about that..." I trailed off as I spotted the bouquet of white flowers he was holding up. "Oh." _

_Roses. He had brought me roses for closing his party down?_

_"Fifteen white roses for forgiveness." He shrugged and for the first time I saw bashfulness behind the natural confidence. "No obligation to accept the apology, of course. Although the flowers you must." His left cheek dimpled when he smiled. Lord._

_"Hm, er … okay ..." I took the flowers awkwardly from his hands and placed them on the desk behind me as he held the door open with his foot—half in and half out. "I have something of yours too," I called out._

_I reached behind my desk and handed him his black iPod. _

_"Of course." He nodded and looked down with a crooked grin on his lips. "How could I forget about this little baby?" Then he looked at me, like I might know the reason for it._

_In that second I forgot to speak, so I bit my lip and looked away._

_"Good taste in music but I kinda don't want to be hearing it all hours of the night." I said in a way that came out less stern and more smiley then I hoped. Ugh._

_"Got it." He winked and my stomach flipped right into my mouth._

_"I'm Edward, by the way." He held out his hand for me to shake, and I remembered how I had completely ignored it last time._

_"Bella." I took it this time, noticing how warm and yet somehow solid and firm it was._

_I swallowed, too conscious of the way he was looking at me and how quiet it had gotten. God, he really was stupidly good looking. All the girls probably thought so. _

_That's probably why he got away with all those randomly-timed frat parties, and his jerk-culprit tendencies ..._

_And I wondered how many girls he had brought white roses for. _

_I unclasped my hand from his, and Edward reluctantly let me go, like he didn't want to._

_"Well, thank you for the flowers, Edward." My voice was silly and high, my cheeks were burning too hot, and the door was pushed open as I closed it. Huh?_

_"Dinner. Let me take you to dinner, B."_

_What? My mouth opened and then closed again. _

"_Bella." I finally managed._

"_Yeah," he replied, staring too hard into my eyes and I wasn't sure he heard me correct him. I kind of wasn't sure of anything at this point. _

"_I don't think-"_

_"Since you had my iPod for almost a week, you owe it to me." He cut me off._

_"I don't think it's a good idea." I shook my head, not because I didn't want to go out with him but because I was meant to be annoyed at him; I was way too frazzled, and I didn't date boys like Edward. _

_No matter how much I really, really wanted to. _

_He was a jerk-culprit._

_I raised my eyebrows because he had just chuckled. "Something funny?"_

_"I'll break you, B. I have more perseverance than you can imagine."_

_"Bye, Edward". Then for the second time I shut the door in his face, a traitor smile peeking from my lips as I rolled my eyes at his final words. _

_I'll break you B._

_And he did. _

_Of course he did. _

~~~~X~~~~

**Astro and Hadley - this wouldn't be possible without you guys!**

**For teasers, discussions, and other fic stuff join my group (on my profile). Twitter: Blueissoul**

**So what are your thoughts people - give 'em to me!**


	3. Addictive

**Thank you all for your reviews. So nice to see all the familiar names and new ones!  
**

_But in a goodbye bed_

_With my arms around your neck_

_Into our mouths the tears crept_

_Just kids in the eye of the storm _

**- Daniel by Bat for Lashes**

* * *

We stopped going to couples therapy months ago.

According to the counsellor, I 'needed more time'.

I'm not entirely sure what she meant back then—I was just glad we stopped. Yet sometimes when I had a moment alone, when I sat on the living room couch and watched the sky outside drop to a color between copper and bright pink—perhaps like the color of my heart—maybe I knew exactly what she meant.

Couples therapy. It was a little like someone was parting my ribcage with their bare hands while I lay awake, silent. All with good intentions of course, because all they wanted to do was to de-thorn my sheathed heart. They pulled at the vines that imprisoned me and helplessly, I tore. I tore hard, but they didn't let go. I didn't want them to.

Because even when wrapped up tight by something this painful, I was protected, guarded. One way to be safe.

Vulnerability was pain. So I let the vines surround me like a home I never wanted.

My own personal therapist, on the other hand, I could happily ignore. Her voice was a lullaby, disappearing into the baby blue background of her room.

When Edward wasn't in the room with me, somehow things were easier, fuzzier. I was lost inside the wanderings of my mind. I escaped like I always did, and in that time, I was alone the biggest pretender in the world.

"How are you feeling, Bella?" Geraldine Cope asked, wisps of blonde hair falling from her chignon.

She must have been around fifty years old. She had a mellow voice and piercing blue eyes. They screamed of the kind of wisdom that came from listening to too many heartbreaking stories. I didn't mind blue eyes; it was the clear green eyes, the color of pine, that made my world topsy-turvy.

"Fine," I answered rigidly.

Just fine.

"And by that you mean...?"

I stared at her perfectly manicured fingers. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a manicure. I couldn't remember the last time I took time out for myself, yet I had all the time in the world when I sat on my couch and stared at the TV.

She changed tack when I didn't answer.

"How is Edward?"

"Sad."

"Has he told you that?"

My eyes scanned the books on her shelf: _Incognito: the secret life of the brain_; _What does it mean to be Human?_; _Flourish: a visionary new understanding of happiness and wellbeing_; _Darkness visible_.

"No."

"Then how do you know?"

I looked at her._ I know him as surely as the air that I breathe._

"I feel it."

She nodded and scribbled something down

"Have you talked to him at all yet? Talked about what happened?"

I shook my head. "Not since …" I swallowed. "Not in a long time."

"Do you think it's time, Bella? Perhaps it's time to talk to him, maybe even try couples therapy again. What do you think? Could you give it another go?" Her voice is soothing.

I watched her garden through the window of her office.

A lone red swing swayed back and forth on its own, like it was waiting for somebody to sit on it and let the wind run through their messy, chaotic hair while they giggled and kicked their legs higher, higher.

"No."

More scribbling.

"Can I ask why you feel that way, Bella?"

I swallowed and straightened in my seat. "I think I'm done for today."

~~~~X~~~~

It was that time of the day.

The hours after dinner stretched on forever and sleep took too long to call. This used to be my favorite time of the day. Fully sated, we would often lie under the afghan with our feet touching and fill in the gaps of our hours apart. Sometimes our chatter would lead to a comfortable silence; Edward would watch TV and I would catch up on my reading. Other times he would stroke his feet on mine, too purposefully, up my leg—I had always been too ticklish—and oh … I'd smile too wide from underneath my hand because I'd always been terrible at playing the nonchalance game where Edward was concerned. Whether it was rough and passionate or soft and tender, our lovemaking was always intense. The bring-you-to-your-knees type of intense—that's how we loved.

Now, that redundant time between dinner and bed-time spoke of too many empty hours. There was too much quiet, too much left unsaid.

Edward was out on the balcony and if I looked at him from where I sat on this side of the glass wall that separated us, I could see the dark chocolate of his hair, the back of his head highlighted occasionally by streaks of red—a perfect blend to the setting sun.

I turned off the TV, stood up from my spot and folded up the afghan, trying not to think about what he was thinking so hard about because one guess and I'd be right.

I tried not to contemplate the elegant curve of his back in that simple white t-shirt, or the way his jeans hung a little too low as he placed the half-empty wine glass on the ledge to his left. His hands were on the rail as he leaned forward on his toes in a graceful stretch, flexing his arms and taking in the scene below him. Even from behind, he was kind of beautiful and it hit me that it'd been so long since I'd run my fingers over his warm skin.

Edward used to say_ 'your touch warms me up everywhere, B, especially right here' _and he'd place my hand over his heart and I'd feel the thrumming underneath my skin—love running through his veins, heating me up from my fingertips to my soul.

So long ago.

I didn't realize I was still staring until Edward turned his stubbled profile toward me, and his eye caught me like a thief snatching stolen glances.

Maybe he could feel me too.

That's all it took. That single second where his eyes met mine, my heart stopped and my skin hummed and warmed.

Clear green eyes, a darkened pine. Tender and filled with unspoken questions—already they told me more than he was saying, and I understood all of it.

Unspoken words left his mouth, flying through the glass, barricading me.

_Why?_ They repeated.

I didn't have answers.

I sought them too.

It'd been a long time since we'd looked, _really _looked like this. I finally saw him and of course, it still hurt.

Silent declarations tore us apart, disillusion shadowing our path and dirty desolation beckoning our future.

Time was slow motion, those relentless minutes went on, and something wavered and simmered as we stood locked in our wordless trance. Turning stronger, fervent, full of need. Yearning to be satisfied.

Edward was surrounded in pink hue, making him look more real, more alluring to my senses, like some untouchable wonderer who'd just found an oasis in a desert, although I would do nothing to quench his thirst. I never did. I was a mirage.

My heart kick-started and pounded dramatically in my chest as I stood in the middle of the apartment, with the afghan forgotten in my left hand. You wouldn't be able to tell how hard it was beating, I was so still. Both of us were. I didn't feel the afghan fall to the floor until it hit my feet and even then I didn't flinch.

I could feel the sweat on my back and dampness starting to pool between my legs, because despite the distance, despite what my head said about how much I wanted him to leave me so he could be happy, my body still needed him, still knew him.

My heart continued its ferocious drum in my chest and my palms tingled and sweat.

I wondered if his pupils dilated with need or was it just me imagining it?

I took a deep breath and then another and then I was breathing too fast and I knew he noticed it because Edward noticed everything about me. There was a small shift in his body too, as he straightened. More alert, like he was about to take action. A primal man that just wanted.

My mouth opened, because maybe I might step forward … just a little. Would this once really be so bad?

His eyes devoured me, licking at the edges of my consciousness, beckoning.

One step, that's all I needed and I knew he'd do the rest of the work and—

Edward flinched.

The cigarette had shrivelled into a small stub in his fingers, burning him; he dropped it to the floor, cursing.

I looked away, trying to stop the world spinning, wishing there was something or someone to hold on to so I could steady myself as I came back to my senses. I pushed the unfulfilled hunger back to where it belonged. Underneath, back to non-existence.

I picked up the afghan and almost ran into the bedroom without another glance backward.

That night I tossed and turned. It was no different from other nights when I tossed and turned, waiting for Edward, except my mind was buzzing and my skin was vibrating with a weird type of charge, like one touch might set me alight. I hadn't really seen him like this in a long time, he hadn't touched me in longer, yet still I only rested when he came to bed.

That night, he didn't come.

~~~~X~~~~

* * *

_I didn't think there would be a date one, let alone a date four, yet here I was._

_But he hadn't kissed me yet. Maybe it was the cross—Edward didn't exactly strike me as someone who waited too long for what he wanted and I knew he wanted to kiss me. His eyes more often than not lingered on my mouth, his fingers tangled with mine, and when he said something he would lean too close so I could feel the heat of his breath warm my ear. _

_The cross always made the boys question themselves though. Was I a virgin? Was I going to make them wait until marriage? If they made a move, would I want them to go to church with me? All of it made me want to roll my eyes. It wasn't like that—at least not for me. I'd had sex in the past and I'd had boyfriends; it was just that I had faith in someone outside of me. Was that really so weird?_

_The day was warm but carried a gentle breeze, just enough so that my hair carried in the direction of the wind and whipped at my neck. Central Park was packed, and we dodged dog walkers and children as they ran past us, and I was always aware of how reluctant Edward was to let go of my hand. _

"_Okay," Edward mused. "Three things you most love?"_

"_Good one. Hmm ..." I bit my lip in contemplation. "When the sun sets, my close friends and family and ... God."_

"_Have you always been religious?"_

"_Not really. I wouldn't say I'm religious—I mean, maybe not at all—but faith helped me get through the death of my mom. Like it didn't make a lot of sense to me, but believing … well, it helped a lot... there's a bigger plan. There has to be."_

"_Perhaps," he nodded and I loved the way he looked toward the ground and his eyebrows furrowed together when he was thinking of something hard. I wondered what he was thinking. I wanted to get into his head and make him spill all his deepest thoughts, and somehow hand-holding in the park wasn't enough. _

"_It feels right," I said, gently touching the cross at my neck. "Anyway, what about you? Three things that you love most about your life." _

"_Easy. Nature, medicine and coffee. All three completely essential, though I wished I loved coffee a bit less."_

_I laughed as we turned a corner, to a thicker patch of green. It was much quieter and I let Edward lead me toward a stranded tree. "It can get pretty addictive, I guess. Especially with all that partying."_

_He was grinning as we stood closer under the shadow of the tree. "There's always room for more."_

"_More partying?"_

"_Nah." He clicked his tongue, and put his hands firmly on my hips. An electric thrum enveloped my body when he pulled me closer, and when spoke I was a little breathless. _

"_Addictions? You sound like you have one on your mind."_

"_Yep." His fingers tangled in my hair and all I saw was pine and green when he spoke low and sweet. "You."_

* * *

**Astro and Hadley are my awesome beta and prereader duo.**

**Want to discuss? Post your thoughts on my fic group (see my profile).**

**Until next time x**


	4. Pretender

**I couldn't spend as long as I liked on this chapter – so I apologize for any crappiness in advance. Thank you all for your reviews… I appreciate them even if I can't always reply x**

_Eleanor Rigby, picks up the rice_

_In the church where a wedding has been_

_Lives in a dream_

_Waits at the window, wearing the face_

_That she keeps in a jar by the door_

_Who is it for?_

**- Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles**

* * *

"Let me," Edward's fingertips were warm as he took the necklace I was struggling to hook up. My eyes floated to the full length mirror in front of us, and the reflection almost fooled me.

I wore a maroon, silk backless gown that swept the floor; my hair was curled and fell in gentle waves over my left shoulder, leaving my right bare. A simple chain with a diamond fell close to the curve of my breast, twinkling merrily in every direction, like it was mocking me with its cheerful audacity.

Edward's head was slightly bent behind me, his bronze hair combed back and his suit crisply ironed and fitted, stretched at his biceps as he fiddled at my neck. His bow tie was hanging loosely around his collar, and now as his nose almost skimmed my hair, we looked like the quintessential couple. Like we didn't hold any secrets, or have a slow-burning sorrow encasing every breath that we took.

Finished with his task, Edward took a step back. His hand rested for a mere second on my bare forearm and my eyes darted to his in the mirror, catching.

His smile was slow and solid as his gaze drifted over me tenderly. "You look beautiful, B."

I let my lips curve upward, nodded and then looked away, breaking the connection.

Edward cleared his throat, and walked to the dressing table and picked up his watch.

I knew how much this day meant for Edward and that my excuses would wear thin no matter how hard I made them. I couldn't deny him this, despite how much I wanted to take my usual place in front of the TV.

The hospital soiree was an annual event, attended by all the medical staff, and was used to celebrate the victories of the year gone by. It was hosted by the chief, and it was something Edward and I attended every year. I knew it meant a lot to him – so I went. I would play my role today. I would give this to him as a thank you. It was the least I could do. Those were the thoughts that haunted me when we rode the cab in silence.

The soiree was hosted at the top floor of the Hyatt in central Manhattan. The gallery was decorated with fine art, the canapés and drinks abundant, the waiters friendly without being over-eager. Touches like the low lighting and spiral staircase that led to a free bar and a three-man jazz band made the whole atmosphere surreal, like we had stepped into the modern world of the Great Gatsby.

The elegantly dressed crowd, as usual, was getting drunk too fast and laughing too much. For a second, I was caught off guard by the buzz of noise and clinking of glasses. For a woman who had lived in isolation for so long, it was too overwhelming, but then I took a deep breath and masked my feature something soft, more fitting.

I could be the best actress in the room.

~~~~X~~~~

"This boy has had his fingers in more chests than I've had in pussies!" Brad laughed, clearly drunk as his chagrined fiancée, Toni, rolled her eyes at his language.

Brad and Edward had graduated together— I'd known him since our Cornell days. Brad was still the same drunken, loud-mouthed frat boy I'd known him to be years ago. Only now, he had a M.D. to his name.

"You haven't lost your tactful way with words," Edward said, a smile touching his lips and his hand resting on my lower back where the material of my dress ended. Every time his thumb moved from the dress to my skin, a shocking thrum encapsulated my senses, making my skin tingle and my knees weak.

It took everything within me not to pull away from him.

"You know what I mean, bro," Brad continued. "Despite how much I may moan about the chief dabbling in preferential treatment for his favorite heart surgeon, even I praise you about the adeptness of your fingers." He used both his fingers to toss away a kiss. "And what adept fingers they are… you must agree, Bella…" He chuckled.

I bit the inside of my cheek and Toni huffed.

"…and we're leaving," she said, pushing him out as he made drunken protests and Edward laughed.

"I'll catch you both later. Bella call me!" Toni air-kissed us and Edward turned to me.

"I think he's getting cruder with age." I tightened my hand into a ball when the back of his hand brushed the bare of my back – because even though Brad might be crude, it's not like he was entirely wrong about Edward … and his fingers….

I took a deep breath.

"You look beautiful, sweetheart." I recognized the familiar voice and was glad to move forward, away from Edward's touch.

"Hello, Carlisle." For the first time all night, possibly in months, my smile was genuine.

Carlisle kissed me on the cheek and gently squeezed my shoulder in a paternal manner before addressing Edward. "Here's my favorite boy. Finally."

"You've already been accused of preferential treatment," I said.

"Not preferential, completely fair." Carlisle commented seriously.

"Already they say my head is too big to fit through the door," Edward quipped and they both chuckled. It was genuine laughter, and something inside me softened. Edward's parents, Mason and Elizabeth, had worked with, and been good friends with Carlisle before they retired and moved to Ireland. Meanwhile, Carlisle had taken up a protégée/father relationship with Edward. Those who accused him of favoritism probably weren't completely off, even if Edward was one of the best.

"Edward! My god, it's been so long." Next to Carlisle, stood Victoria. She was his only child and was a chip off the old block. She had inherited Carlisle's pale blue eyes, offset by her wavy red curls and pearl skin. She worked alongside Edward as a cardiac surgeon, and most of the time, I was in awe of her. Victoria's smile was big and beautiful as she kissed Edward on the cheek and turned to me. "Hi, Bella."

"Hi, Vic." I smiled as she took me into her embrace. "How was Europe?"

"Exquisite. I want to live there. I insist on it. Although Daddy is not too pleased about my little revelation."

"You're not going anywhere," Carlisle reprimanded playfully.

"You've always had the travel bug." Edward mused.

Victoria pouted playfully. "I regret not being able to go to Ireland. I wish I had. I would have dropped in on Mason, Elizabeth, and your cousins. You know how much I enjoy being the unwelcome guest."

"They would have loved to have you."

"Next time for sure. Hm...oh! That reminds me. I have photos - lots of them. You must see!" Victoria pulled out her phone and scanned through photos of her travels as Edward and Carlisle leaned over her, peering at her phone, and commenting.

I watched them in silence. It was strange how I was stood right next to them, but felt like I was in a different world; somehow on the outside, looking in. "That's a great shot…" Edward said and I stepped back. I let myself move further into the crowd, and further, until I was leaning over the metal railing, staring at the bright lights and buildings of New York below me, like little pins on a map, shimmering and sending out sparks of lucid white.

The whole of Manhattan waited below me – it was like the whole world. I was so insignificant …. so separate from the chatter of medicine and merry behind me.

A long time ago, that world would have interested me, perhaps even made a little sense. I would have wanted to know more about what my husband did, and what the people he worked with were like. Unlike Edward, I wasn't born to into this world, but it had never been any different. I used to be a part of this family too.

But now, I was lost in the laughter, far away from the conversation. Neither here nor there, I dissolved into the shadow, my flowing dress like a cape of armor, as I liquefied in the corner.

My eyes drifted to Edward in deep conversation with Victoria. Their rapport was easy and light. Twice, he laughed loudly. It looked like life was coming back into him. Like he was without a worry in the world. Like he used to be before, when he looked at me.

There.

It was at that moment when everything became clear. Clearer than it had been in a long, long time. Clearer than my hardening heart, than the mixed feelings of love and defeat I felt when Edward was near. Why I had hidden my husband's wedding band. Clearer to me than anything else at that point– how Edward would move on and whom he would move on with. She was perfect for him. She made him happy.

I didn't.

Couldn't.

For what felt like hours, I stood in the corner and watched people move and sway around me. They laughed and drank, living in the moment, nurturing their friendships like it all meant something.

I watched as Carlisle easily and gracefully charmed the room – the crowd hung on and laughed at his words, his eyes ever so often roaming back to his daughter – a real sentiment that said so much. No matter how old your children were, they always would be a part of you that you felt the most strongest and most protective about.

Victoria's laughter rose like warm air and spread like champagne bubbles through the air. I watched silently, as Edward's gaze shifted around the room, from group to group – searching like he'd lost someone, as others 'borrowed' and introduced him. His mask of friendly respect never changed, but I could tell from his stance that he was getting more and more restless as he was pulled into the crowd. I was the real observer though, — I counted the minutes that my husband scoured the crowd and looked over heads, searching. When would he give up looking for me?

I watched him with the fascination of a detached scientist. Why did he stay? Maybe he remembered those times. The times years ago, when we'd look at each other and there was only love without regret; those times when we were teetering over the daunting line of post-youth and the only _right_ was the burning in his eyes. Maybe he remembered long nights spent on a single student bed making shadow puppets on the ceiling, getting too excited about the possibility of the uncharted future, and experimenting with our mouths and bodies.

The hand that landed on my back was gentle and undemanding.

The chief looked down at me and smiled at me in my corner. I had been found.

"Are you okay there, Bella? If you go any further back, you're going to fall over the rails." His eyes twinkled with mirth and there was no judgment in his voice.

"I... um," I cleared my throat. "I was … looking."

He looked over my shoulder at the points of light below me.

"It's quite a sight." Carlisle nodded. "Sometimes when we step out of our own little bubbles, we see so much more than we ever care to comprehend."

I smiled bitterly back at him. "Sad, isn't it?"

Carlisle's eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. "Sometimes revealing, even beautiful." He raised his hand and put it over mine. "Come with me."

And just like that, Carlisle forced me back to the real world. He introduced me to some faces that I knew, others that were as welcoming as if I had known them all along. They all gushed when he told them I was 'Edward's wife.' I smiled and played along because that's what I was. For today.

Carlisle gently swerved me into the veranda, next to the restroom and just then Edward turned the corner, clearly breathing a sigh of relief when he saw me.

"Bella," He said, walking toward me in three easy strides. "I've been looking everywhere." There was only concern in his eyes, and guilt swallowed my body.

"I introduced Bella to a few friends of mine," Carlisle said before I could speak. "She's all yours now."

Edward's features visibly softened as he placed his palm on my cheek like I was made of china.

"Excuse me, kids, the party is missing me." Carlisle winked and was gone, and Edward didn't even ponder a look at the man that had put his discomfort to rest because he was too focused on me.

"Good, I found you now." His eyes were glazed from alcohol but full of concern. "You want to go home?"

I was surprised that he wanted to go so early. Usually, we stayed late, often a lot later. Then again, Edward caught my moods like no other—he knew when I wanted to stay and when I wanted to escape and I'd been wanting to escape for a long time, preferably so he could continue to talk to Victoria.

In the cab, he was restless. His eyes lingered on me, my neck, and often to the curve of my breasts. He wanted me in the way any man would want his wife. It was just that when he was drunk he didn't hide it so well.

We didn't talk about this.

We didn't acknowledge it.

It just was.

Edward was always considerate, although I knew if I gave him any hint that I wanted him, he would not pass on the opportunity.

I never did.

Tonight, drunken Edward was making it known that he missed me.

He threaded his fingers through mine and pulled me so I was closer to him. He talked about the night in soft whispers and ever so gently, he kissed the side of my neck. I closed my eyes and suppressed the urge to moan at his tickling breath on my neck.

So long.

God. Too long.

I let myself rest against the solidness of his chest and buried my face into his shoulder as his fingers tenderly slid up my spine. In the back of the cab like this, it was safe. I could pretend we lived in a different reality, where this was still okay. Here, in the back of the cab, I wouldn't have to let him inside and have him undo the walls that were keeping me safe, or have to answer questions that he'd no doubt ask.

He held tight to my hand as he paid the driver and didn't let go until we were inside the dark apartment. "Hey," he said as soon as we entered and I took a step back. I was somehow pinned against the door. It was like Edward's eyes were glowing from the light streaming from the moon and, more than anything, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted him to kiss me, but it was too overwhelming, and there was so much feeling that my body shook, so I put my hands between us on his chest.

"I can't," I pleaded. "I … just can't right now."

Our breathing was rougher. I could feel the desire burning rouge on his cheeks. He wanted me because it had been almost a year. He wanted me because he was a man. He wanted me because he felt me lie next to him each day, but slip further away.

He probably wanted me, because he wanted to make it all better.

Edward let out a large exhale then another and closed his eyes tight like he was in pain. He moved further forward, until I had to drop my hands from between us to give him room and I thought he might be angry, that he might call me out for teasing, but he simply rested his forehead against mine with his eyes still and closed.

"I'm sorry."

It was simple, soft and sorry.

Then he pulled himself away and walked to somewhere away from me.

I took a deep breath.

_Me too. _

~~~~X~~~~

* * *

_The blare of music bounced through my skin and enveloped my warm body, I'm not sure if it was the heat from the gyrating crowd or the alcohol that warmed my cheeks, but it didn't matter because all I could feel were rough palms on my hips, caressing my legs, pulling me as I pushed harder against him._

_So good._

_Crazy._

_It was crazy to be so consumed..._

_My arms came up behind me as my hips rocked, weaving into the sweaty strands of Edward's neck._

_My heart thumped even harder when his moist lips touched my bare, damp shoulder and then my neck. I could scream from what he did to me._

_I could melt._

_I could die._

_I turned so I only saw deep pine. Bottomless. Mine._

_"I love you."_

_A whisper. A confession. The only truth that I knew. _

* * *

**Couldn't do this without my beta and pre-reader. Astro and Hadley – you rock.**

**Let me know what you think! :)**


	5. Great Heights

**Hello to my new readers, and thank you to those who have taken time out to recommend and tweet about this. It makes me happy x**

_Doing as others told me, I was Blind._

_Coming when others called me, I was Lost._

_then I left everyone, myself as well._

– **(Realisations)**

* * *

Rosalie was having a baby shower.

I hadn't spoken to Rosalie in months.

Rosalie reminded me of the time long ago, when we were all starry-eyed in New York, excited about our future, talking of of big dreams and fulfilment. There was so much to come; the world was at our fingertips. We were alive and burning with anticipation, which way to go?

Oh, how it all unwound, shattered across the ground like a million dirty diamonds.

The thing about big dreams is they always come with a caveat ... great heights can be as dangerous as they are beautiful.

Truth was, nowadays, I didn't speak much to anyone really. I had mastered the art of avoiding Alice. She had gone through all the stages of grief, too—denial was the most difficult one.

I heard things from Edward sometimes.

Rosalie was huge, apparently, and Alice still asked about me.

Edward had picked the baby gift. It was a pink ballerina outfit, with these pink ribbons that tied up the tiny white ballet shoes. I stared at them for too long when he first showed me them to me; you'd think we were having a private conversation or something.

Edward turned off the engine as we pulled up in Rosalie and Emmett's driveway. It was a dark and warm night and, from here, the stars were actually visible. Everyone inside the uncurtained living room moved in shades of shadow and color.

We were late. It was my fault for accidentally on purpose spending too long in the shower.

We stilled for a moment in complete silence, sitting in the dark, quiet driveway, bathed in only the light from the living room window, and somehow it was too long.

Edward said, in a voice that was too even, "Are you going to be okay?"

I nodded and gave him a try at a smile. "Yes."

I was okay.

I would be.

I'd been through the worst and it had to get better than this.

That's what my counselor told me at least.

He nodded in response and slipped out of the car, opened the back door, and reached into the back seat to pick up a gift-wrapped box covered in petal pink with blue dots and purple ribbon. It was only simple wrapping, but something about it made my heart long for something I didn't have.

"B," Edward said, a gentle reminder before he closed the back door of the car, giving me enough time to drop back to earth, and join him to get to the front door.

One ring and the door swung open in a millisecond, because obviously Alice was standing with her eyes glued to it.

"Oh my God!" she squealed and tackled Edward in a hug and then grabbed me too hard and forgot to let go. Her hair had grown from a spiky do into a sleek bob and she smelled like she always did—Flower by Kenzo. It sent waves of nostalgia through me.

"It's so good to see you! Bella! You look … tiny. Are you eating? Why didn't you answer my calls last weekend?"

I tried to pretend the latter question was rhetorical, but from the way she was looking at me it clearly wasn't. Alice wouldn't want to hear that I was avoiding her on purpose even though inside she knew. Alice wouldn't want to hear about my new best friend that wasn't her. Alice would listen too hard. Understand. Care too much.

"I'm so glad you came." Rosalie saved me from feigned truths by waddling up from behind Alice. "Thank you for coming." Locks of golden hair cascaded around her shoulders to her waist, and all I could see was a huge, obtrusive stomach. Radiance glimmered off her; she was practically glowing from her gold-blonde roots to her red-painted toes.

She wrapped me up in a large, warm hug, and her body was too hot. I was hyper-aware of the way her full breasts brushed against me and her hard stomach dug into my side.

I gave her a small smile as I pulled away from her. It was the largest I could manage.

Edward kissed Rosalie on the cheek in greeting, filling in for my silence like he normally did.

"We wouldn't miss it for the world."

~~~~X~~~~

It was meant to be a small baby shower with a few of Rosalie's closest girlfriends, "strictly ladies only". Edward insisted he would drive me and somewhere along the way the plan had changed. Apparently it had been a long time since he'd really seen Jasper and Emmett, so he was going to stay, keep out of our way of course, but I knew this was probably his plan all along—his way to keep an eye on me.

I wasn't annoyed and I wasn't relieved. I wasn't much of anything. I guess it didn't really matter whether he stayed or went.

Rosalie and Emmett give us tour of their small but homey apartment. Everything smelled of new paint and unassembled furniture boxes. We stood in their obviously favorite room, the baby's nursery. It was painted in light pink and had a cot, too many toys and a rocking chair decorated with ribbons—a present, I assumed. Rocking chairs were perfect for breast feeding.

"Here it is," Emmett beamed.

Edward took a step forward into the room and I took a step back, and I could feel both Rosalie's and Emmett's attempts to keep the conversation short and lukewarm light, even though their excitement waiting to overflow and engulf us. Who could blame them? A first baby was a big deal.

After Edward made all the appropriate noises, we made our way downstairs where there were seven other girls gathered in the living room. I'd met most of Rosalie's close friends from when she used to live in Manhattan. Rosalie locked Emmett and Edward in the kitchen and told them to pretend they were invisible.

The room was decorated with lots of pink balloons. There were cupcakes and fruit, baby streamers and cards, with 'It's a Girl' everywhere. All the women 'oohed' and 'ahhed' when Rosalie started to open up her presents, getting more and more animated as she went on.

Through the glass patio door that led to the kitchen, Jasper, Edward and Emmett talked and watched the basketball game on the TV in the corner, but I was always aware when Edward's eyes found me from his beer bottle.

Sometimes I let my eyes wander to him too, and we lingered on one another a second more than was just fleeting.

It was unsaid, but there was a subtle understanding between him and I. An understanding that we would probably be better without. It was like I was a part of the celebrations, but not really. It was like it had been for almost a year; somehow I was here, but I was elsewhere too.

I sat in the corner of the room and occasionally sipped at the flute of champagne, and sometimes tried to laugh along.

I guess that was something.

There was a time when I couldn't even hear the laughter.

Occasionally Alice walked past me and squeezed my arm or whispered something that was meant to be funny in my ear.

"Oh...Bella! I love it!" Rosalie exclaimed at the ballerina dress and matching baby ballet shoes.

I smiled because they were pretty cute. I wondered if Edward chose them all by himself or maybe he got some help from Alice… maybe Victoria.

Rosalie was still praising. "Ballerina. I can't wait to dress my baby girl up in this. I can't wait to send her to classes. It's just perfect."

"So damn cute," Karen from her old workplace said.

"Can you just imagine her little feet in those?"

They went on and on about baby feet. About baby curls. About birth, teething, dancing.

On and on.

I wished I could close my eyes and make it disappear.

I wished I could disappear.

This wasn't fair to them ... to anyone.

"Best present ever," Rosalie said smiling at me, as she started to pack away the presents.

"Edward has good taste," I said and then looked up from my drink because I didn't mean it to come out like that.

"Oh." Rosalie's smile faltered and her ocean blue eyes flickered away from me as the room went a little quiet. I swallowed down the rest of my flute, wishing that even a part of the old Bella, who was kind and bubbly and loved all her friends, would come out to play.

She was somewhere in there still, apparently. That's what they told me.

The ding of the doorbell was a perfect distraction, and an immaculately dressed older lady with Rosalie's piercing blue eyes and golden hair swayed in.

"Darling! I'm so sorry I'm late. Look at you—you look like you're about to pop any second now. Do you have your bag packed?"

Rosalie let her mother air kiss her whilst still sitting and rolling her eyes.

"Hi, Mom. Glad you made it. Don't worry, I'm not going to pop right now."

"You never know, sweetheart. You can never be sure about these things. You were so eager to come out, I was slower on a wet 'n' wild slide."

Alice giggled from behind Rosalie's mother. "Do you want me to take your coat, Mrs Hale?"

"Thank you, darling. You're so sweet." She shrugged out of her mustard fur coat. "I'm Mrs Tanaki now, by the way."

"Oh, really?…Congratulations!"

Rosalie sighed and looked around the room. "Everyone meet the lady I'm always moaning about, my dear mother—as of last month, Elizabeth Crystal Hale Tanaki."

"I love it. It has a cultured twist don't you think? And I prefer Chrys. Elizabeth makes me sound so old."

"You are old," Rosalie deadpanned.

"I'm so proud to have raised such a charming young lady. Now, where's the champagne?"

The champagne was poured and consumed more freely now that 'Chrys' was here. Rosalie's mother kept everyone entertained with stories of Rosalie's childhood endeavors . Alice sat beside me, laid her head against my shoulder and told me she missed me. Her grey eyes searched mine for a little too long, so I looked away.

Later in the evening when cakes were eaten and everyone was a little tipsy, Rosalie's mom clinked a spoon against her glass loudly, dragging the surrounding eyes to her once again.

"Ladies, thank you so much for coming to my sweet daughter's baby shower. It was a lovely night. I can't tell you how proud I am of my baby girl, even though all she had to do was lie there and open her legs."

Rosalie groaned and buried her face in her palm, mouthing something incomprehensible but ferocious.

Chrys didn't notice. Instead, her eyes suddenly turn wistful. "I was thirty-five when I had Rosalie. A part of me wishes that I was younger, maybe around the same age she is right now so that I could be more of a friend to her, understand her more… I went through post-partum depression and I always regret not having those first few months." She turned to Rosalie and looked at her lovingly. "I hope that you are able to have the beautiful bond with your daughter that is so precious early on and even though you're the first one out of all your girlfriends here to have a baby, I know you're going to be a fearless, wonderful mom."

"Thanks, but I'm not the first…" Rosalie started and then paused abruptly and bit her lip like she had spoken too soon.

"Yes, you are, dear," said Chrys swaying on the spot.

Rosalie shook her head, diverting. "It was a lovely night. I can't thank you all enough for your wishes and baby gifts. Thank –"

"Hold on, baby," Chrys said. Her eyes spanned the room and I knew she was counting everyone. She hesitated when her glassy eyes landed on me. "Bella..." and I knew then that she was going to say the very thing that I'd been dreading all night. That I dreaded every time I went out.

"_Oh. Bella_." She touched her string of pearls. "How rude of me. I'm so sorry."

"Mom..." Rosalie said. Her eyes were suddenly wary.

"Bella, sweetheart, I can't even imagine what… I've not even had a chance to talk to you tonight…"

My face burned. "It's okay..."

It wasn't really.

It was the one thing that everyone knew but didn't say. It had been almost a year, but I would always be _that poor woman_.

It was the one thing that no one would bring up. It was the pink elephant in the room.

Chrys was still talking. "The way that it happened-"

"MOM!" Rosalie yelled too loud and her mother flinched like someone had slapped her. Her dazed eyes shifted to the table. "I think I'm just going to help myself, over there."

She patted her daughter's head and walked away.

"God, I'm sorry, Bella," Rosalie whispered. Her hands touched her throat, mimicking her mother's actions even though she wasn't wearing pearls to pull on.

I nodded and looked at my feet in discomfort, trying to pretend I wasn't here right now. I was somewhere else, safe and bright.

The uncomfortable silence stretched on.

Someone shuffled and the noise of scrunched wrapping paper filled the room.

"Karen, those cupcakes—they were delicious," Alice said suddenly, but her voice was forced into fake cheer. "You must tell me the recipe. They don't taste as half as good when I make them."

Awkward conversation started around the room and continued, even though the atmosphere had no doubt changed.

Uncomfortable smiles.

Stilted laughter.

Eyes which didn't quite meet mine.

I went into the kitchen.

Emmett was sitting on the counter eating a pink cupcake and he waved at me as I walked past him. Jasper and Edward were bent over a guitar. Edward strummed dead notes and then easily put a simple tune together I didn't recognize. I vaguely wondered where his old guitar was; I'd not seen it in a while.

He looked up even though I hadn't made a sound, and handing the guitar to Jasper, he slid off his stool.

I let his presence envelope me for a moment and then another. Somehow it was comforting as he stood in front of me, his head bent concernedly at the top of my head, his breath warming my crown. I stood within his shadow, underneath the crook of his neck, his nose not quite touching my hair but still, it was Edward and I let him soothe me without words, without touch.

Sometimes I understood why he stayed, and suddenly I was so glad that he insisted on it.

He was here.

_Thank you._

"I'm ready to go home now," I said, looking at my shiny black pumps.

It's all I needed to say.

Rosalie hugged me too tight at the front door and said gently, with sad eyes, "I'm so sorry, Bella."

I give her a forced smile. "I'm fine, really."

I wasn't, but she didn't need to know that right now.

"She's a tactless nightmare," Rosalie sighed. "Now you know why I'm always bitching about her crazy."

Edward said nothing until we were ten minutes away from the house and I still hadn't spoken.

"Did something happen?" he said finally.

"No."

"Bella."

I turned my face to the side; he was serious and his cheeks were slightly sucked in. This was his resolute expression.

"Tell me." I could hear the frustration creep into his voice.

I pressed the button and the window slid down. Suddenly it was hard to breathe.

The thorns tightened around my chest because Edward was trying to pick at them, pull them away, make his way into a part of me that was closed off. A part that was not ready to be opened to him yet.

We drove some more and the click of the car signal and the whipping of the wind was the only noise I heard as we took a right.

"Please don't do this."

Edward was good to me—he was gentle and much too patient and since everything happened, he let me take it at my own pace, never pushing me too much, but I know he needed more too. He was reaching the end of his tether and if he didn't get more from me, he might give up altogether.

This was shaky ground.

But that's what I needed him to do. Give up. Go. Live.

There was better out there for him… so I twisted my hands in my lap and said nothing.

"Bella... Shit… This is hard." His voice cracked.

"I know."

I knew only too well how hard it was.

"I just… I don't know how to make things okay if you don't talk to me."

"I don't … I don't want to talk"

"Avoidance isn't going to solve anything. You can't pretend it didn't happen."

I didn't speak.

"Help me to help you."

Therapist words.

"Fuck!" he said and the curse made me jump in my seat. "I don't know what to do anymore."

I looked at him and I could feel the tension jumping through his bones.

"I'm not avoiding. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't with everyone constantly reminding me."

Edward's jaw clenched as we pulled into the driveway and I knew he just wasn't going to let it go.

Today was definitely one of those days.

I closed my eyes, dreading what was to come.

~~~~X~~~~

* * *

_"They love you," Edward said as we walked over the bridge hand in hand. I was wearing his jumper and coat and Edward strolled next to me in his thin grey t-shirt like he wasn't cold at all. _

_"I love them too, Edward. They're … like family." I shrugged. It was that simple, that easy. He laughed like he was brimming with energy, relief. It had been a perfect first meeting. _

_His laughter was as infectious as Elizabeth's. He was exactly like her in his mannerisms, the way he would sometimes furrow his brow in contemplation. His looks were Mason's though—through and through, I could see the Irish in his blood now that I had met his father. Mason was a quiet man with a deep, rumbling Irish accent and strong opinions. _

_It had been a joyful evening: great food, conversation and laughter. Even though I had been nervous, ten minutes in it felt like I had known his parents for years. I could tell they were a family that was used to a certain air of sophistication, but at the same time it was so easy. _

_Edward pulled me closer as a gust of air pushed my hair away from my face. Then I was dangerously close to railings, where he pressed against me frenetically, and kissed me until I could breathe no more. _

_I smiled into his __lips __and turned around, tingling all over as he moved my hair, and pressed sweet, fresh kisses on my neck. My whole body warmed and a small noise escaped my lips as I turned my head to the side and his lips met mine again. _

_"We should probably get home..." I groaned._

_Edward breathed hotly into my mouth. "I'm not sure I can wait"_

_"Be strong..." I smiled and pulled gently away from him, even though his hands still trapped me in place._

_Edward sighed. "We need to move closer to this place. We're always here." He nodded behind me where several skyscrapers towered up and littered the west Manhattan sky. Edward had started training a few blocks away, and I often used Central Library to write on the weekends while I applied for work experience as a teacher in order to get my teaching certification._

_My eyes wandered to the apartment buildings. They were beautiful yet seemed almost unreachable, and I wondered who lived in the ivory towers up there. I could imagine that people like Edward's parents could afford it, even though they lived in a comfortable house in the suburbs. I supposed it might feel powerful, maybe even distant._

_"They must have quite a view."_

_"One day, B..." Edward said softly. _

_"What?" I raised my eyebrows in question._

_"One day we will live in one of those blocks. I'll be practicing and you'll be teaching… and writing that novel you've always wanted to. Every evening will be amazing because I'll be with you... And then someday there will be children...lots of them."_

_"Whoa... Hold your horses, mister!" I joked._

_Edward grinned, his eyes were bright emerald. _

_"Sorry, the imagination runs wild when I'm with you. I didn't expect this, B... None of this, but now it's so close...I want it. I want it all with you."_

_I put my arms around his neck and rested my head against his. This was love. It couldn't get any better._

_"Me too. It sounds perfect."_

_Just perfect. _

* * *

**Astro and Hadley - big love to you ladies x**


	6. Gone

_Somethin' filled up_

_My heart with nothin',_

_Someone told me not to cry._

_Now that I'm older,_

_My heart's colder,_

_And I can see that it's a lie._

_**Wake up - Arcade Fire**_

* * *

The apartment was almost pitch black. The only light came from the full moon, filtering into the room in one long stream like a stretched spotlight, through the glass patio doors, over the couch and to the bar area, highlighting the room in a pearly-magical glow of serenity.

It was all a farce. There was no serenity in here. None at all.

Neither of us did anything to make it any lighter and I heard Edward's feet follow me as I made my way to the bedroom.

The curtain billowed from the open window and the room was chilly cold. I moved forward to close the window and Edward switched the light on from behind.

I blinked as my eyes adjusted, knowing there were still too many questions in his eyes.

Questions about what happened today.

Questions that would hurt.

Questions I didn't want to answer.

"I need the bathroom." I evaded, keeping my eyes trained away from him. He nodded and made his way over to the wardrobe even though he didn't do anything apart from stand in front of it and pretend he wasn't preoccupied with trying not to look at me.

I didn't use the toilet or the sink. I didn't take a shower or brush my teeth or even clean my face. I sat at the edge of the bath and wrapped my arms around my stomach too hard.

There was only one thing going through my head.

My baby girl.

My sweetheart.

I lost her.

She wasn't ever coming back.

She was gone.

Again and again, like a stuck record on repeat, like one of those awful tunes that you can't get out of your head.

She was gone.

I tried to breathe but instead, I coughed because my arms were wrapped too tightly around myself.

She was gone.

I held myself tighter because I wanted that terrible tune to stop, but it didn't.

She was gone.

The thorns were unfurling, and this is what it did to me.

She was my everything, and now she was gone forever.

It didn't make any sense. Yet it was as stark as daylight.

Gone.

"Bella…" Edward said. Time had passed. I wasn't sure how much.

I swallowed; my mouth was baked dry and I wanted to think happy thoughts. I wanted to disappear completely in my head like I used to, but all I thought about were her loose auburn curls and her smile that lit up a room.

Her laughter still warmed up my soul, her voice still sang in my ear, playful yet demanding, and she was my baby…

Gone.

It was in beat with the pulsing of my heart.

_Gone. Gone. Gone._

I felt panic rise up in my chest and everything squeezed and I wanted to vomit.

This pain was unbearable … the reminder was unbearable. I wasn't sure if it would ever go away so that's why I protected my heart. It was the safest.

"B, what are you doing?" Edward knocked twice on the door and I knew he was leaning against it, probably working out if he needed to break in.

"I'm coming." My voice sounded far away. I looked in the mirror and my face was pale milk, like the ivory of the moon. Damp hair clung to my head, I had hollows under my eyes and I looked ill.

I was ill.

Every part of me was ailing with grief.

I could get over this.

I could.

I could.

_I couldn't._

I dry retched into the sink.

"Bella?" Edward was anxious. "Unlock the door, B."

I stood straight and walked over to the door, unlocking it with shaking hands. Edward had changed into an old t-shirt, but was still wearing the same jeans he had on earlier as his eyes cautiously searched mine as I took a step past him.

I expected him to probe, say something about what happened, ask questions, but before he could do any of that I blurted it out, like vomit that was sitting in the back of my throat waiting for me to spew.

"Rosalie's mom. She didn't realize my baby girl died."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and words flowed like they were in free fall.

"She didn't remember I was _Mommy_ for almost four years, and she didn't remember that my baby was gone, and then she apologized. It wasn't cruel. She forgot. She just forgot."

Edward stood completely still in front of me. Then his face convulsed like someone had punched him in the gut and only one word escaped his mouth, "Shit."

"I just. She just … Oh god …" I heard my voice get higher until it didn't even sound like me.

"Bella, shh … It's okay …" He moved forward but stopped when I took a step back and another and sat on the bed.

"I'm okay. It's fine. I just … I need to calm …" I trailed off, willing my pounding heart to calm down.

Edward looked like he wanted to touch me, embrace me, maybe even lean into me and kiss me softly. His hands reached for my face, but then instead, he squatted, balancing on his toes so he could see my face, not quite touching me. I was glad he didn't get too close, or put his hands on my skin, because Edward's touch would set me on fire. If these thorns were undone, I might erupt and surely, that volcano of emotion would kill us both.

I took a deep breath and then another. He looked up at me with darkened pine eyes, as I composed myself.

God, he was so beautiful.

He deserved better. Better than me.

"She forgot," I said finally, weakly, the beating of my heart a little calmer.

"She forgot," he repeated. I knew he was speaking to himself, trying to understand what it meant, but it didn't mean anything really.

She simply forgot. Something so simple. It's not like she was obligated to remember; she barely knew me.

If there was meaning to everything, we'd learn lessons and move on.

But I'd never move on from this.

Ever.

"Yeah." I shivered as the sweat went cold on my back.

"Are you–"

"I'm fine …" I swallowed and asked him a question he couldn't answer. "How can people forget?"

He sighed, a faraway look in his eyes. "I don't know." In that moment there was only the ugly truth of a shared experience between us, but his next words were more painful than anything I'd heard all night.

"I wish I could forget."

I closed my eyes.

"Me too. "

* * *

~~~~X~~~~

_I undid the top button of my cardigan and slid into the car next to Edward as he nodded his goodbye to __Estelle - an older lady who I saw at church every week__. His hair was gelled back, he had shaved especially, and he smelled of my new favorite scents: mint and coffee. He cleaned up well on a Sunday. _

_"You know, you don't need to come with me every Sunday."_

_"Why not?" Edward started the car. "It's Church Day."_

_"For me, Edward." I put my hand on his arm, feeling the crispness of his light blue shirt beneath my palm. "You don't need to come if you don't want to..."_

_"I want to."_

_I smiled. "You said you weren't even sure if you believed."_

_"True. I'm on the fence, but you know something, B? When you kneel down in prayer and close your eyes so solemn and tight and open them to look at me? It's like you're seeing me for the first time. That wonder. That earnestness. In that moment, it's like I'm reborn. I'd give up every Sunday for that. Every single Sunday for the rest of my life just to see you look at me like that."_

_Then he pulled out like nothing had happened. Like his simple declaration hadn't meant so much … changed so much, forever._

* * *

**As usual mucho gracias to Hadley and Astro.**

**My fic group is on my profile!**


	7. Believe

**So sorry for the delay you guys! It's been crazy but hopefully I can get back to posting more frequently now. Thank you all for reading x**

_So I find me in your garden now_  
_A sad smile for the scene_  
_And all the flowers that we planted now_  
_Taken by the weeds_  
_But in my minds eye, you know they still bloom for me_  
_They stand tall there, in that summer breeze_

_**Leave the Memories Alone - by Fuel**_

* * *

The next morning when I walked into the kitchen Edward was showered, reading a newspaper. There were dark circles under his eyes and it wasn't surprising as I knew he hadn't slept. He was tossing and turning all night and must have left and come back smelling of Lites at least three times. Once he even said my name and I wasn't sure if he was awake or asleep. I pretended I didn't hear him.

My phone started to ring somewhere on the countertop and neither of us made a move to pick it up. I was so exhausted, even the thought of answering was an effort.

"That's your phone," Edward said in a monotone voice. I knew it was my phone and he knew I knew it was my phone, so I still didn't pick up. I watched Alice's picture appear on the screen and then disappear.

There was silence as Edward finished his toast, and I switched the kettle on.

He put his newspaper down and started to talk casually to me. He was either scared that I was going to lose it, or he was keeping it light because he was going to lose it.

Either was a possibility.

"Do you want to do something today?"

Not really.

"Like what?"

Edward walked around to my side, placing his empty plate in the sink beside me. "We could … I don't know, go see the others if you want—"

"No."

I didn't want company.

"Right," he said, reprimanded. "We could go the movies... or just go for a drive; I don't have to go to work until late today so I'm all yours."

I looked up at him, at his final words.

_I'm all yours._

I know, Edward. Damn it, _I know._

It both revived and killed me to hear that.

"I don't want to watch anything at the cinema," I answered stubbornly. "Plus I have lunch with Lauren."

He sighed in aggravation, holding onto the side of the sink tightly with one hand. "Give me something here, B."

I twirled the dark granules of coffee around with my spoon.

My eyes travelled to his ring-less finger and then to where I'd hidden the wedding ring, in the bookcase just behind him.

I managed a smile. I know it looked as fake as it felt. "You should go. You should go see the others."

After what had happened at Rosalie's yesterday, I felt raw and festered, as if my baby's funeral has just happened yesterday. I didn't see why he was always around me. I was sucking the life out of him.

"I don't want to."

"You just said—"

His eyes flashed. "Don't you get it? I don't want to..._alone_. Without you."

Didn't he get that's what he was? That's what I was?

Alone.

"We're not glued together," I said, pouring the steaming water into the cup.

"You are my wife," he said obstinately. One word at a time like I didn't get it.

Maybe I didn't anymore.

"Am I?" I said, watching the coffee turn a melded, hideous dark brown.

"Excuse me?"

He was giving me a mild _what the fuck _look.

"I just …"—I sighed—"it's starting to feel like it's in name only, Edward …. We're living like this—like zombies. You should go have fun with your friends. You should reclaim your life."

_You should move on._

_Please._

"Are we really going to do this again?"

"We don't have to. It's easy; you go out and spend time with others. Have fun."

"What about you?"

"I'm okay as I am." There was silence as I stood opposite him, sipping my coffee. It burnt my tongue but I kept going.

Edward moved even closer, so close that I could see the tiny nick above his upper lip from shaving.

"Look at me, B. Look here. Into my eyes." He sounded young, not like the strong, healthy man that stood in front of me. "You've given up. Try. Look, can you please try here?"

He wasn't asking. He was begging.

A desperate man. When I didn't move, or look at him Edward pressed more.

"Did you take your meds today?"

"I will."

It wasn't entirely truthful. Not today. I hadn't in a while. Why cover up the hurt with medication? It was still inside me...it would always be there. I wasn't going to pretend to be happy while my daughter lay buried. It would be a lie if I did that.

His hand came around me and touched the bare elbow of my arm that wasn't holding the mug.

"Please try to be okay, Bella. Maybe if you try, it'll make you believe and then eventually you will be. We're more than this. We're way more than a name."

I missed his touch so it left me a little breathless.

"I am okay." I whispered. It was a lie.

Edward's eyes were downcast and then he spoke so softly that I barely heard him. "I miss you."

I wasn't sure where to look so I ended up looking at him. I missed him more than he could know.

But I was no longer her—I was too wounded to be the me that Edward had fallen in love with.

I watched Edward as he took the mug out of my hand and put it on the counter. I didn't move away when he curled his fingers around my hot hand and pressed into the fleshy skin underneath my fingers, a little too hard.

I looked at his weary eyes.

I looked at his too-red lips, parted and so soft.

"Let me hold you."

For a second I remembered what it was like to be her, and be held by him, loved by him.

He placed my hand, intertwined with his hand, on my hip and slowly, like a magnet, I moved forward to him. "It's been so long. Let me love you."

"It's not that easy," I whispered as he squeezed my hip, with his hand still interlinked with mine. The angle was awkward and intimate; my breasts brushed the hard muscles of his forearm that was holding me.

"Just… try." His whispering in my ear and his heated breaths drew me even closer.

I hadn't tried in a long time.

I couldn't try anymore.

I was so tired…

My chin was on his shoulder and I felt him automatically stir against my stomach. It was nice that, despite all the distance between us, I could still make him react like that without doing anything at all.

He didn't need to say. He loved. He felt. He showed me.

God, how much I wanted him to love me. Why couldn't we go back to the time when it was this easy? When I would let him love me because I had just as much to give back. And I did—I gave him everything.

But now things were different.

I had nothing to give.

Somehow minutes went past, with my chin on his shoulder, his hand clasped with mine, even though it wasn't quite a hug. It was a question.

Then I said it, the thing that ruined everything. "You ... it's just ... you remind me of her so much."

Edward's whole body stiffened against me and slowly he pulled his face back to look at me. There was curiosity in his eyes, but most of all there was _hurt_.

It hurt me too.

My eyes watered but words still flowed from my mouth and I kept going because my grief was worse than the bitch that I had become.

"I can't - she looked like you. You are her, everything about you reminds me of her. You are her, she was you. The way you sleep, your smile, the way you mess up your hair, your great addiction to apricot marmalade and that silly way you break up and eat Oreos… Everything. Every goddamn stupid thing about you reminds me of her."

It was true. Every day with Edward was a reminder of my baby girl.

Tears squeezed from my eyes and dropped down my cheeks.

"Bella—"

"It breaks. Every time I look at you, I see her and my heart breaks all over again. It won't stop."

Edward let out a long breath and our hands unclasped because he had let me go.

"I don't know what to say that. For everything else, I can try. I can be patient. I can have more faith for the two of us, but I can't change the way I look. Or those little things I do without even knowing I do them..."

"I know you can't."

We looked at each other and there was only desolation and sadness.

It was so unfair that this had happened to us.

"We'll find a way, baby. I promise. Trust me." I looked up and Edward had moved closer again, the coals of black in the pine sending my heart beating into my mouth.

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe him - but no. "I'm not even sure we can."

"Of course we can. It's us ..."

I shook my head. How could it go back to the way it had been? The perfect that we once were?

"Believe it," Edward demanded.

"No." I started to hyperventilate holding him tighter. I wanted to believe... I really did. But how?

I was going to keep it together.

I wasn't going to lose it.

Breathe…

The door swinging open pulled us both back to reality. I turned my head and wiped my eyes as Lauren bounded in.

"Bella… oh, sorry. Did I interrupt something?" She asked curiously, taking in our intimate stance.

"Yes." Edward said through gritted teeth.

"Bella and I had lunch plans."

"Come in," I said, forcing a smile and stepping away from the awkward embrace we were in. My player face was back on, and all the hurt pushed back into the deep recesses somewhere within me. It was easier this way.

God, so much easier.

Edward sighed. "We're not finished."

I walked away, to Lauren, ignoring the way the front door slammed too loudly, seconds later.

He had left.

And I was going to have to get used to it.

* * *

_I'd never forget the way he looked at me on our wedding day, how comforting and solid his grip was, like no matter how difficult things got, or whatever came our way, he would hold me firmly like this for the rest of my life. He had looked handsome of course; I felt like that giddy girl who had found him standing outside her dorm room, and those words…. his words made me feel like I was the lone winner in this universe._

"_When I first saw you, I was knocked for breath by your beauty. Not just the way you looked, but how fierce and fiery and__ real__ you were. It's true. I was a goner from the moment you snatched that bottle of Grey Goose from my fingers, and everyone knew it._

_Many told me that I was too besotted, that they coined the term 'love-drunk' for me, that this was too soon. After all, it's always important to be cautious about these things, right? But here's the thing. When it comes to trust, and love, and forever, and you …. sometimes you have to take this leap of faith and just believe._

_I will say this... in my life, I have never believed in anything as much as I believe in you Bella, this love-drunk boy loves you. I do. I do. I do."_

* * *

**Lots of Hadley and Astro love! These two ladies are amazing x**


End file.
